You catch flies with sugar, or just hit 'em with your buggy in the Piggly Wiggly

Delilah?! I knew it was you, with all that hair! Oh, honey, does your hairdresser have COVID? You would feel better if you got your hair done. Have you talked to my Anna May? I’m lucky if I talk to her twice a week. Her and Jack working from home and they still don’t have time to pick up the phone. Being at home like that they are both gonna get fat, she lost all that weight for nothing. She was looking a little old after all the weight she lost, if you ask me. She never used moisturizer like I told her to.

Right then she paused for a breath and I knew I better jump in. I had tried to avoid all of this, but she spotted me as I turned down the condiment aisle. Never underestimate how fast a woman in her 70s can move when she spots her prey!

Miss Ovilla, how are you? You’re looking as good as ever. No, I decided to let the gray come in. I really don’t talk to Anna May, we mainly text. Last time I saw her she looked great, I can’t say that I noticed she had gained any weight? Wouldn’t matter either way, she always looks amazing!

Now the smile comes, it’s as sweet as saccharine, with every bit of the after taste.

Did she tell you they were putting down new flooring? New tile in the kitchen! There was nothing wrong with the old tile. Must be nice just to be able to put down flooring whenever you want. Good girl, Hellman’s is better for deviled eggs, Dukes for sandwiches. If she had asked me, I could have told her that tile doesn’t match a thing she has, she should have put that money up for a rainy day. Always going here and there, and I don’t think that girl ever fixes dinner more than two nights a week since the boys have moved out. I had the thought she might move closer to her mama when those kids got out of the house, but it’s been two years and she’s putting in new tile?

At this point, both of us know she’s going to call my mother when she left the store.

Miss Ovilla, that tile is a nice neutral shade, it matches everything! She’s lived in that house over 25 years, it needs some updates. Anna May and Jack have worked real hard over the years and had to make do, it’s nice they are getting to spend some money and time on their house and each other. Man, I’ll be glad when I don’t have to fix dinner, except when it hits my fancy! Have you tried the cilantro lime ranch? Being in the kitchen every night just wears me out! Why would she ever move “home”? Her home is wherever she feels the most comfortable and her job is, I don’t expect she will be back this way for a long while, if ever, especially if YOUR grandkids stay close to her area.

And the finale:

I never eat that stuff, I make my own, it’s better and it doesn’t take any time. Here take a packet, mix it up yourself, I’ll put this back on the shelf.  Oh, I see those kids on the Facebook, half clothed, eating out all the time, I think one of them has a drinking problem. Putting all their dirty laundry and houses out there for the world to see. In my day we would have knocked a child into next week for allowing all that nonsense to be seen or talked about! It’s downright shameful! And Anna May right in the big middle of it all, liking this and that and talking about how she feels. That’s things she needs to be sharing in her confessions, not with all of North Texas and her daddy’s side of the family! I swear. Oh, how’s your mama, have you talked to her lately?

Oh, boy.

Miss Ovilla, I have no idea what you are talking about, all I see are a bunch of kids having a good life and sharing their ups and downs. It’s a great way to keep in touch with everyone. I haven’t seen anything indecent, nothing like those pictures of you and Mother at those Shriner New Year’s Eve parties, right? Remember those? Man, us kids never knew if we were going to find y’all outside passed out on the porch or if we were going to be called down to pick y’all up! That was fun times, wasn’t it? It’s been so nice running into you! You should really see where Aunt Betty is getting her hair done these days, I bet she could make you an appointment! I’m going to circle back around and get my cilantro lime ranch dressing, I don’t have time to make my own. Give me a hug, and keep safe! I’ll text Anna May that I ran into you, tell her to give you a call before she replaces the cabinets and puts in that mini bar for the new deck and pool—I think that was  her talking about doing that, either way, I’ll tell her to give you a call. And don’t worry about Mother, she calls me on the weekends, we get all caught up, I’ll tell her I saw ya. Bye, now! Be careful getting home!

Lordy, if I was Anna May I would change my number!

You want to know what happened to the generation of moms who were always telling us they would give us something to cry about? Or if we rolled our eyes one more time we would be picking ourselves up off the floor? Or straighten your face and put a smile on it, don’t you embarrass me, young lady?! Well, they are cruising your local Piggly Wiggly, Albertsons and Walmart’s, spreading a web of snarky sweetness, just wanting to take someone out with a buggy! Bless their hearts, they preached for years how honey got more bees than vinegar, but forgot to learn the lesson instead of spouting it.

Delilah McMasters is a local resident and the mother of six. Reach her at BlessYourHeart76063@gmail.com

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