The Idle American: This and that with Uncle Mort

It was a rainy Saturday morning in the thicket where live my Uncle Mort and Aunt Maude.

They got up early to go outside, eager to feel the soaking of rain on their yard’s crusty soil, and to thank The Almighty for ending a dry spell when there’d been nary a drop of rain for more than two months. Getting nightgowns soaked felt great.

His voice on the phone provided the value he placed on rain, but somehow rambled to a quote attributed to Vice President John Nance Garner in the 1930s. Though generally believed to be true, his quote - now almost a century old - usually is taken out of context. Garner’s claim? “The vice presidency is not worth a bucket of warm spit.”

Garner’s comment no doubt stemmed from innards deflated when he - a native of Uvalde, Texas - ran unsuccessfully for the presidency.

He settled for the vice presidency under President Franklin D. Roosevelt; the pair won on the 1932 Democratic ticket.

In a series of articles appearing in Collier’s magazine in 1948, Garner recalled many harrowing experiences in the office - one he held from 1933-1941.

Surviving the Great Depression and serving during most of World War II, he said: “There cannot be a great vice president. A great man may occupy the office, but there is no way for him to become a great vice president because the office itself is almost wholly unimportant.”

Vice President Garner - nicknamed Cactus Jack because of his fondness for the prickly plant - likely would be a participant in grave-spinning if he knew anything of the political chicanery prevalent in today’s world.

As expected, Mort provided his take on the current political climate, which he views as “far more stormy than the ones providing rain.”

Out of respect, I listened. Had we talked longer than the 35 minutes I timed in an hour glass, I think his throat may have “run out of rasp.”

“Dollars buy votes,” Mort fumed. “Many - and maybe most - candidates running for national and political office, are funded by hundreds of millions of dollars provided by several deep-pocketed donors who are determined to influence governmental decisions both in Washington, D.C. and Austin, Texas.”

He mentioned a quote heard recently during a domino game at the general store. “If rank and file Americans would put aside most candidates’ names and substitute random ones selected from phone books, we might be better off - if we still had phone books,” the old nester said. His voice trailed off as he remembered calmer days when representatives from both sides of the aisle ended the day shaking hands instead of fists.

Finding myself agreeing with many of Mort’s meanderings, I tried - with moderate success - to change the subject.

“So how’s Aunt Maude?” I asked.

“Well, the latest on Maude is that the hearing aids ordered last month came in yesterday,” he said.

When the technician offered to fit them for her, she declined. “No use in that,” she answered. “They’re for Mort.”

Then, he proceeded to talk about joining the community choir, one that he hoped would help unite citizens of the thicket, and beyond. “We have folks coming from all faiths, lifting prayers to God in song,” he claimed. They hope to have arrangement memorized and perfected before their Thanksgiving concert, and, according to Mort, “they’ve got a ways to go.”

Admitting that his singing isn’t the best, he was put in his place by a neighbor. “He gets a check mark for comeuppance,” my uncle chuckled. “Mort, I have heard you sing and I’ve heard you eat,” his neighbor laughed, “And I’d rather hear you eat.” Mort jabbed back, claiming that even when his neighbor told half-truths, they could be cut in half again, if not quartered.

May God help us reclaim the values and deep beliefs Mort stands for, and may our nation re-claim civility, trust and friendships that prevailed in our yesterdays.

Dr. Newbury, longtime chancellor of Howard Payne University, lives in the Metroplex. Email: newbury@speakerdoc.com. Website: www.speakerdoc.com. Phone: 817-447-3872.

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