Just when you think the wild ride is over, along comes menopause

By Delilah McMasters

Mansfield Record

Let’s start at the beginning: At approximately 13 we females begin our “cycle,” “period,” MENSTRUATING, and boys don’t. We get cravings for chocolate, can barely hold our eyes open for being sooo tired. We cry if you look at us wrong, cry if you look at us right. Nothing fits right. We crave all-you-can-eat pancakes. Being confrontational and snarky come naturally. Can’t decide if we like boys or are disgusted by them! Crave some chips. Feel bloated. Can’t remember if an assignment was due today or tomorrow! Crave tacos. Our face breaks out, our hair looks a mess, we no longer look dewy, we look greasy and sweaty! And our moms are the worst ever about rolling their eyes at us and telling us what we should be eating and being grumpy about bringing our backpack to the school because we forgot it, because we were in the bathroom so long feeling anxious about going to school and fretting about why it never feels like we slept enough.  And all of this happened BEFORE lunch and we still had to go to gym class and do chores after school! And to add insult to injury, this happens every month, and all the while, boys are smiling and joking and never know about the monthly duress we are under! Bless their hearts.

Now fast forward to approximately 50: We got jobs, relationships, birthing babies, extracurricular kid activities, couple of house moves, or a divorce or two. Things seem to be settling in and down, and I’ll be damn if MENOPAUSE doesn’t just come popping from around the corner like a crazed joker chasing you around in all aspects of your life!

Once again we enter the roller coaster ride made just for women, but this time we sit in the back with our arms raised high trying to get some air circulating around “flopsy and mopsy” and under our arms. It’s like puberty all over again, but without your mom telling you to eat right and stop being so dramatic. Our moms had us young and went through their menopause years in peace waiting for grandkids to arrive and were glad we were out of the house so they could run around in their Playtex 18-hour bra and big girl panties with the ceiling fans on high, eating honeybuns anytime they wanted, while our dads watched in silence for fear of their lives. Yeah, we don’t have it so lucky!

Most of us are experiencing menopausal stress with teenagers. Sigh. To put it bluntly, there are some days no one is in charge, and there is lots of drama. Our moms only had our dads to witness the no-sleeping anxiety that caught up with her when she passed out on the couch snoring after telling him to get his own dinner. Now, it’s our teenage daughters AND our husbands waking us up in the same scenario and it’s not fair we are all giving each other side-eyed grumpy looks wanting the other one to go get a party box of tacos.

How fair is it that once again in our lives we are craving carbs, can’t hold our eyes open during the day, can’t sleep at night. Cry at the drop of a hat. Feel so hot ya can’t strip down fast enough, turn around with your panties rolled under your belly to see your man standing there smiling at you like he’s won the jackpot, and instead of loving his dimples, you can’t stand his breathing.

And you would love to be snarky with him, but you can’t remember where you left your glasses and he always know where they are, plus he deals with the girl child during her “cycle” way better than you do.

And middle-age acne? What the heck?! How can you have acne and wrinkles at the same time? Get some Botox, get some Spanx, eat lean and fresh, go to the gym. Go to Hades! And on the way stop and get me a slushy, because I’m there waiting for a fan and some clear directions to navigate to a place where there are bras to hold in underarm fat.

What about those men? What are they experiencing? Oh, it’s much worse! They might have gotten out of knowing what we went through monthly when they were boys, but now they are dealing with daughters and wives, and between the two, they might get a week of peace out of the month. Bless our hearts, it’s a good thing there is someone who is sane in the house!

Delilah McMasters is a local resident and the mother of six. Reach her at BlessYourHeart76063@gmail.com

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